Jamie Foxx dropped that Netflix special like a bomb. He came back with jokes, tears, and gratitude, and everybody called it a miracle. I watched it from the other side of my own storm. I had a brain aneurysm rupture that caused a stroke. It really meant a lot to me that he let us see him as his best self. Awakened both physically and mentally.
It brought me back to my time in the hospital. I didn’t see a tunnel, but I saw a hallway. There was no blinding light, but I did see escalators going upward. While in the coma, I remember seeing myself in a hospital room, I couldn’t leave. I was locked in. I kept trying to get out, trying to find the escalator to take a bus home. I couldn’t find the bus. I couldn’t find home. There was a train in the woods outside. I wanted to get on. I wasn’t allowed to. It was just out of reach because it was a dream.
When Jamie talked about being unable to walk or scratch his nose, I remembered those early days, too. My coma lasted ten days. When I woke up I remember being upset about the same thing. My body felt foreign. Everything felt distant. Still, I wasn’t afraid. I was determined. I wanted to get back to the old self. It’s humiliating to need anybody for any reason, even if their kind.
The day I started walking again, I felt like that girl.
Jamie talked about his daughter playing guitar to bring him back. I didn’t have a soundtrack, but I had pictures. My sister had taped photos on the wall to help me remember who I was. It broke my heart to look at them, but they were a map. They pulled me through the fog. I didn’t even know I was lost until I saw them.
People said he was cloned. They said Diddy tried to kill him. That man couldn’t even hold a phone. I remember when the world was speculating on how he was. They may have meant well, but that’s a pressure in itself. Meanwhile, I had people whispering that I wouldn’t make it. Some had already started acting like I was gone. When I came back, the biggest shock wasn’t my body. It was the people. I found out who showed up, who didn’t, and who treated me like I was already buried.
I think Jamie wanted us to let us see him as his best self because he wanted us to know he was not defeated. I felt the same way. Once I got to the hospital, I posted a selfie with one eye covered. That was just the style I was wearing at the time. I later found out that people assumed my face was dropping. It was then I realized they were looking to see if I was the same. That’s pressure. I posted new pics for a while so they could see I was the same on the outside, but then I thought girl, why are you trying to appease people that don’t care about you at all? Besides, I am different now in other ways. I’m ok with that.
Jamie said something that made my whole chest pause. He said God gave him the stroke as a blessing. That hit hard. Back in April, before it all happened, I had prayed. I had questions, and I wrote them down. I forgot about that prayer until I came home and found the journal. Every single question had been answered.
I don’t wait anymore. If I want to do something, I try to do it today. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I don’t want fake closeness. Genuineness hits different now. If it’s not real, it doesn’t reach me.